Totally Sweet Tattoo Ideas

[ #2 ] TATTOOED UNDER THE INFLUENCE

As a general rule in life, it is wise to avoid making any serious judgment calls while under the influence of a mind-altering substance (or two, or three). Because spontaneous tattoos can so easily become unsightly, unsettling reminders of a moment’s lapse in common sense, it is especially important to recall this rule when drunkenly spouting embarrassingly horrid tattoo ideas in the company of intoxicated friends, and to evaluate the weight of your actions accordingly from that point forward.

Don’t make the depressingly common mistake of stumbling into some tattoo parlor after an evening of heavy boozing to try and choose something that is worthy of being permanently emblazoned on your body. Chances are, you’d wish soon afterward that you’d had the sense to keep your faculties about you on Tattoo Day. You might just end up having to tolerate a poorly-chosen picture that inspires hate within your heart when exposed to the harsh light of day. Believe me when I say that sobriety is much more conducive to logical, appropriate decision-making (and that ain’t news, people, it’s just a fact).

[ #1 ] LOVING TRIBUTES GONE TERRIBLY WRONG
Infatuation is fleeting. Romantic relationships come and go. Still, the image of a lover’s name in fancy italics is a consistently popular request at the tattoo shop. Why? Everybody thinks their relationship is special, that their love is a miraculous one, and that they will be the exception to the long-standing, hard-and-fast rule that a tattoo of your sweetie’s name is always a bad idea. Consider the fact that human beings lie, cheat and make horrendous mistakes all the time (we are slaves to our imperfect nature). There are simply no guarantees when it comes to coupling. Betrayal and separation often become unfortunate realities.

Will you still be super-psyched about the “I love Betty” tattoo adorning your tanned bicep when you find out that ol’ Betty’s been boinking the gardener? Will you continue to carry your oldschool heart-and-banner tattoo bearing the words “Dwayne: My one and only!” with confidence if your relationship with Dwayne should happen to run its course, and you two decide to separate — even on comfortable terms? The future is a gray area, human emotion is fluid and ever changing, and you really never know what might happen. Besides, there are plenty of alternative ways to show the object of your affections that you truly care — ideas that don’t involve needles and permanent ink.

Posted in Bad Ideas, Good Advice, Top 10

[ #4 ] IRRESPONSIBLE USE OF FOREIGN SCRIPT
Potential tattoo recipients are often attracted to the bold imagery and seemingly mysterious air of meaningful names or phrases written in fancy foreign script. (Japanese and Chinese characters are very common in textual tattoo requests, as well as Sanskrit and Elvish scripts.) Sadly, the average parlor patron neglects to perform an adequate amount of research on his exotic tattoo ideas before inking them, and afterward ends up caught in an embarrassing game of chance: “Does my tattoo actually mean what I think it means?”

If it should so happen that the tattoo in question doesn’t really declare what it’s supposed to be declaring, a whole new horrifying question must rear its ugly head: “What the f*** DOES this goddamn tattoo mean?” Something stupid? Something offensive? At best, the ill-prepared and spontaneously-tattooed party can avoid native speakers of their chosen tongue and hope they don’t ever find out about their tattoo’s meaning and origin for sure. At worst, they’ll be humiliated to discover an unsettling truth (the tattoo means “mustache” instead of “courage,” for example), and will end up kicking themselves in the pants over that one dumb decision for many years to come. The moral of the story is as follows: When dealing with foreign language tattoo ideas, thorough research should always be a prerequisite. Don’t take chances! That body is the only body you’ve got.

[ #3 ] LOL! THAT WOULD BE TOO FUNNY
Novelty tattoos consisting of humorous jokes, anecdotes or phrases are very similar to the “word tees” you might find inside your local Hot Topic store: They’re amusing for a little while, until the joke wears out its welcome and punchline becomes stale. Think about it: You aren’t still re-telling and laughing at the same dumb jokes you used to adore back in middle school, right? No! Nor are you currently busting a gut over the classic knee-slappers you’ve heard 50 times before, regardless of how funny they were, that first time around the block.

Although novelty tattoo ideas might seem like a recipe for a good laugh when mentioned in passing, the fact is that they simply aren’t going to retain their original hilarity (and that’s assuming they were even funny to begin with) throughout the ages. Once you hit 55, that sexually suggestive novelty tattoo is going to be a creepy, wrinkled, hairy turn-off to everyone around you. Think twice before you do things like these to your body; you’ll save yourself a heap of regret and an awful lot of lamentation along the lines of, “OH, GOD! What have I done? What was I thinking? I’m really dumb. OH, GOD!”

Posted in Bad Ideas, Good Advice, Top 10

[ #6 ] JIMMY’S BROTHER KNOWS A GUY
So, let’s say that your boyfriend’s sister’s cousin’s hairdresser’s nephew happens to “know a guy” who does tattoos out of his basement at rock-bottom prices. What’s-his-face can put in a good word for you with Mr. Basement Guy and have an appointment lined up by the end of the week. The cost is well within your budget and the work is allegedly shop-quality art. Intrigued? Well, don’t be.

Tattoo shops take care of all the artist certifications, experience requirements and general red tape so that you don’t have to. (Not to mention studio cleanliness and sterilization of tools!) If some self-proclaimed renegade tattooist is working from his or her personal dwelling, there’s probably a rather disconcerting reason for it. The fact that they are not currently (and probably have never been) employed by an actual tattoo parlor indicates to intelligent consumers that the artist in question must be lacking something that is generally a pre-requisite for legitimate work at a tattoo shop.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but you will probably have to suffer through the products of 10 horrible, inexperienced home-tattooists in order to find just one with skill comparable to that of a licensed, trained tattoo artist employed by a professional parlor. Don’t risk contracting a scary blood disease in some guy’s basement to save a few dollars on your new tattoo. Insist upon exceptional artistic skill and a professional work environment when bringing your tattoo ideas to life.

[ #5 ] BARGAIN SHOPPING WOES
Good tattoos aren’t cheap, and cheap tattoos aren’t good. “Shopping around” for a tattoo artist isn’t quite like shopping around for a sweet deal on a new washing machine. You’ll want to peruse portfolios and evaluate workspace cleanliness, but matters of cost (unless truly exorbitant) should never really be factored into the equation. At the end of the day, you’re going to have a permanent picture stamped onto your skin; is it really worth trying to cut corners and save a few bucks?

Big cities like L.A. and Las Vegas have their fair share of bottom-rung tattoo parlors; cheap, 24-hour-a-day shops whose staff members seem curiously intoxicated at all times. These types of establishments may offer the economical sensibilities you’re shooting for (meaning the tattoo prices are essentially “cheap, cheaper and cheapest”), but they definitely won’t provide the professional results you really need and desire (their sole goal is not to provide top-quality work, but to generate a lot of uninformed tourist and 20-something traffic while putting forth the bare minimum in effort). Down the line, you’ll end up having to pay someone with real skills to re-work and touch-up a poorly-done discount tattoo anyhow. Pay now or pay later. The choice is yours!

Posted in Bad Ideas, Good Advice, Top 10